Hear me out...Righting the NFL ship as the interim commish

I have a lot of love/hate relationships in my life. For example I love America's Got Talent but hate the best talent show in the world because, and here's the dirty secret, true democracy is terrible. In past seasons dogs have beaten out a comedian and this season an above-average singer won over the 14-year-old opera singer who can belt it out like a 20-year opera veteran. 

True democracy is for the birds.

Another love/hate, Netflix's House of Cards, I love the cast, Robin Wright and the rest of the cast are excellent, they do so much with nothing to go on. I hate the show because narratively it's a FEMA level disaster.

My ultimate love/hate is the NFL. I love Sundays. Fall Sunday's should be renamed RedZone day in honor of the greatest TV programming gift God has given to humanity. RedZone is seven glorious hours of football with not a single commercial interruption. But I hate the NFL for the same reasons as everyone else, Roger Goodell and his puppet masters.

In order to take back the sport we love before these plantation owners ruin it, I'm taking over as interim NFL commissioner and I've gathered the 32 owners together for an emergency meeting.

Obviously, my first line of business as the most powerful interim commish in human history, fire Roger Goodell.

I will give Goodell this, he's an excellent shield for the 32 owners. Of the four major sports, there has never been a commissioner who deflects more for his owners than Goodell. He's a virtuoso human shield. But in today's climate where nothing stays hidden for long, damage control is a must have skill. Goodell only makes things messier. The NFL needs someone in charge who can be a shield but also reach out to the players and fans and earn their trust. Like an Adam Silver type who even during unpopular decisions is transparent enough to still keep the respect of players and fans.

Who will be the replacement, not a clue that will be for the 32 to decide but I will pass on my recommendations.

But that's not as important as my second line of business.

Making the NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision the official minor league of the NFL.

Let's stop pretending, the FBS is already an unofficial minor league of the NFL, a free one at that. 

Raking in billions of dollars, paying coaches millions, signing exclusive apparel deals with Nike, Adidas or Under Armour all the while paying the player nothing, hardly classifies as amateurism. Before there are any objections, the student-athlete is a myth and the scandal at the University of North Carolina is all the concrete evidence you need. Borrowing a phrase from The Wire, "Money is GREEN" also we live in America where you should be compensated for your work with actual dollars. 

Pushing past the other excuses not to pay the FBS players, this would be an exciting opportunity for the NFL. The league is desperately looking to find alternative revenue streams and here is a homegrown revenue river.

Here's how the FBS minor league would work. Currently there are 128 FBS football schools, allowing each NFL team to have four affiliates. Just like the MLB they can draft players out of high school, sign them to contracts and include them in trades. 

Not only will the minor league be a feeder program for players but coaches as well. You can develop coaches and have them move up the ranks, greatly diminishing the coaching carousel. No longer would you have to higher Mike Mularkey (19-41 record as a head coach) or Jeff Fisher, who in his 20 years as a NFL head coach has six winning seasons. Instead we'll have new blood entering the coaching ranks and furthermore Nick Saban can finally say he's a successful NFL coach as he's coaching the Crimson Tide the affiliate of the New England Patriots.

I understand as the 32 you're nervous about spending money, but here's the deal. There are two pennies to rub together here and...oh you guys are sold, alright moving on to more business.

Third line of business and this one won't be a moneymaker and it's going to cost us. So as a precaution here's an ammonia packet to wake up the man next to you. There are also defibrillators directly behind you.

We're going to take concussions seriously.

A lot of the negative feelings toward the NFL have been the handling of concussions. Denying the obvious is insulting to the fans and more importantly the players. So in order to make up for the Big Tobacco defense and pretending it is normal when players return the next week after suffering a concussion. While in other sports athletes take multiple weeks, sometimes months, off. It's time we begin showing goodwill to our employees.

From now on teams will no longer be allowed to hire doctors, instead that will fall to the NFL Players Association. That buys some favor back with the players. Secondly we're going to dump real money into concussion research, in a league that prints money, $100 million is not the answer. $1 billion will do the job and convince the public we're serious about concussions.

And my last order of business will be a series of entertainment rehaul.

We're getting rid of Thursday Night Football. It's a garbage game and we should never put out a garbage product. Coaches have little time for a full game plan so you see vanilla schemes and players don't get the rest needed. There should only be two days of the season Thursday games are played, during week one and Thanksgiving, outside of those two dates the NFL wasn't meant to be played on a Thursday.

Taking a page out of HBO's Bill Simmons book, the TNF game will be moved to Monday Night Football. MNF will have two games one for the East Coast and the other the West Coast. And we're also done punishing ESPN with eye sore games. From now on Sunday Night Football and the two MNF games will be marquee matchups.

No more London games. Expanding the game abroad won't be accomplished because the UK miraculously starts loving our product of football. Instead we're moving our international games to cities in countries that have an interest in our brand. Those places being Mexico City, Mexico, Seoul, South Korea, Berlin, Germany, Toronto, Canada and when things are less awful Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. There's only one place in the world where we should be forcing American football and that's China, so we can add Beijing and Hong Kong to that list.

Next we're going to let players celebrate touchdowns again, this is a game let's treat it like one.

This one might be tough for you Jerry Jones but any owner whose comments about a player(s) has a plantation-owner undertone will not be fined but have to return two kickoffs in their franchise's upcoming game. One in the first half, the other in the second half after you've been bandaged up and "cleared" by NFLPA doctors.

Lastly we're speeding the game up we're removing the commercial after the kickoff. Technically the NFL doesn't have power over that decision but as we all know the networks kiss our ring, so they'll fall inline.

Admittedly it got a little shady there at the end but it's for the better.

What's that, I'm fired?

Fair enough.

Know this, you can spin this season's dip in ratings on players kneeling all you want but the truth is the public is growing tired of you 32. This entire decade you guys have handled each scandal in a hellish and distrustful manner. The sooner you realize this and stop having disdain for your players and fan bases things will turn around.